Is it a low-maintenance friendship, or is it a one-sided friendship?

Very recently, I had a big argument with a close friend that resulted in the friendship ending. We were friends for four years, so I didn’t intend to cut her off. But one thing led to another, and before I knew it, we cut contact. This was somebody I spoke to almost every day for 4 years. Initially, I was heartbroken and struggled to come to terms with the loss. Once I did, I realised there was a reason our friendship fell through. What she was disguising as a low-maintenance friendship was actually just a one-sided friendship.

I’m sure you’ve heard the term low-maintenance friendship enough times, either in real life or online while doomscrolling. Along with it comes a bunch of other buzzwords and phrases to support it. More and more often, you’ll hear people claim that they don’t owe anybody anything or that their boundary was crossed. I think in the right situations, these things are important to have. 

Yes, you shouldn’t be a pushover. Yes, you should have boundaries that you stand by. Yes, you don’t owe the larger part of the population anything. But people have gotten so caught up in protecting their peace that the consequence of it is relationships lacking depth and the reciprocity that comes from mutual effort and sacrifice.

Naturally, there are different friends for different occasions. Friends you party with, friends you work with, friends you travel with. I’m not denying that some friendships exist where you don’t talk consistently but are still able to meet up once in a while and feel as if nothing has changed. I’m discrediting people who hide behind the label of low-maintenance friendships when, in reality, they just don’t want to put in effort.

It’s okay to have periods where you’re not talking to your friends. The older we get, the busier we are. I think it’s less okay if said friend is never there or never the one to reach out. 

Earlier this year, I flew to the States to stay with my friend, whom I don’t see often due to the long distance between us. The amount of travelling I had to do to get to her totalled to about 24 hours, as there are no longer direct flights to the US. This seems excessive to visit one friend, but I would do it again, spend all that money again, because it was worth seeing her and getting to spend time with her. I also did it because I knew, if given the opportunity, she would do the same for me.

This is where I think people in low-maintenance friendships will fall short. Nobody will be willing to go the extra mile for you if you’re not doing the same. ChatGPT and other AI modules have become popular for people to seek companionship in because ChatGPT won’t reject you or call you out on the fact that you only ever trauma dump but never text to ask how it is.

The phrase “The price of community is inconvenience” has become popular recently online. It reminds me of my favourite anime, Full Metal Alchemist.

At the beginning of each episode, the narrator talks about the law of alchemy: To gain something, you must lose something of equal value. Similarly, you can’t expect your friends to inconvenience themselves to make you happy if you’ve never done the same for them. I’d go a step further and say that the beauty of friendships is giving without expecting something in return because the foundation of your friendship is based on love and wanting them to be happy. 

I was upset at losing a friendship I valued so much, but I realised that she was okay with me being inconvenienced as long as it benefited her. I’d say this is fine once or twice off because there’s a beauty in giving back something more than what was taken. But this wasn’t that. This was somebody becoming complacent with all I was giving and not once meeting me halfway.

What I never once viewed as a low-maintenance friendship was suddenly used against me in an argument with claims that this is “just how I am, I don’t need as much as you”, when that never seemed to be the case before. 

Boundaries are important, protecting your peace is important, but so is putting in effort for those around you. Everybody wants a village, but nobody wants to be the villager. Even if I lost somebody who I thought was a good friend, I gained insight into what my needs are in a friendship and how I have so many others who are willing to meet them.

Often, people accept low-maintenance friendships because they think nobody will give them more, or because they think it’s all they deserve. I believe that you deserve to be given all the love you put out into the world. For the wrong people, at your very best, you’ll always be too much. But at your very worst, for the right people, you’ll always be just the right amount.